Living on My Terms: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Forgiveness
Hey everyone, it’s Dulce. Today, I want to open up and share some of the deeper parts of my journey through self-discovery and healing. If you stick with me, you’ll see what I’ve come to realize: life doesn’t have to follow a specific plan or hold a specific meaning, and it’s okay if others don’t always understand the path we’re on. People might judge you for living authentically, for choosing yourself, or for growing in ways that make them uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, what matters most is living a life that feels real and fulfilling to you.
What is the meaning of life?
Today, I want to share some philosophical viewpoints that reshaped my perspective on life and helped me realize that I am free to create meaning. This blog is partly for myself, so I can revisit it later and see how I’ve grown, and for those who question my actions. Explaining myself repeatedly is exhausting, especially when the answer isn’t so complicated, it’s simply my truth. These concepts might not be groundbreaking to some, but they’ve been pivotal in my own self-discovery, and I’m sharing them in the hope they may resonate with you too.
As 2024 winds down, I can’t help but reflect on how much this year has shaped my journey toward becoming my true self. Since the pandemic in 2020, I felt lost, unsure of who I was or why I was here. For so long, I lived in a sheltered state, unaware of myself, my life, and even the complexity of life itself. Looking back, it was as if I was wearing blinders, not fully conscious of the realities both beautiful and tragic that define the human experience.
Living on this planet is not easy, and life isn’t fair. Some of the most compassionate, undeserving people endure immense pain, while those with wealth and power often breeze through unscathed. Witnessing this disparity has left me feeling helpless and enraged, especially as someone who’s deeply passionate about justice and protecting the innocent.
From late 2021 into early 2022, I went through a dark period. I felt like a failure like I could do nothing right. I had lost friends over my own poor choices and struggled to forgive myself for betraying someone I cared about. My guilt and disappointment became overwhelming. Karma came for me quickly, that “someone” betrayed me too. I fell into a depressive episode, stuck in a cycle of self-blame. Over time, through a lot of mental effort, I realized that to truly move forward, I needed to let go of my past and forgive myself. Learning to show myself the same kindness I extend to others has been life-changing.
Healing is not a quick fix. For me, it’s a daily effort to unlearn patterns of self-criticism and remind myself that I deserve happiness. In the summer of 2022, I took a full-time job at Dunkin’ Donuts to save for college. What I didn’t anticipate was how grueling the hours would be. Working from 3 pm to 11 pm, six days a week became a mental strain. My life felt like an endless loop of work and exhaustion. Even when family visited, I couldn’t join them, I was either at work or too drained to enjoy anything. My depression resurfaced, and I felt trapped. Thankfully, I had someone in my life who supported me, helping me get through that summer. I worked to pay for college, but I sacrificed my mental health for that paycheck. I was trying so hard to keep going, even when every day felt like it was slipping away from me.
That summer, feeling isolated and discouraged, I had a breakdown one night after work. Scrolling through social media, I stumbled across a video on philosophy, specifically about nihilism. Nihilism suggests that life has no inherent meaning and that we’re all just here by chance. I resonated with it at first, especially in my despair. But then, a small voice within me questioned: if life has no meaning, does that mean we’re free to create our own? The idea unlocked something in me, I could live my life on my terms. I promised myself that I would live more intentionally, so I went out and bought my first K-pop concert tickets for my birthday, despite family criticism. It was a rebellious but necessary step in reclaiming my joy.
At that time, I was dealing with derealization a feeling of detachment from reality. It was like observing my life through someone else’s eyes. For the first time, I fully understood that everyone around me has their struggles and their own stories. It was humbling, and in a strange way, comforting. This realization that we are all, in our ways, struggling through life helped me feel less alone.
Around this period, I also confronted my fears about death. In the summer of 2023, I lost my uncle, someone who was a nice, caring, kind person. It hit me harder than I expected. I spiraled into thoughts about death, grieving not just for him but for all the tragedies around us wars, accidents, and illnesses. While I’d had dark moments where life seemed bleak, I found myself deeply afraid of death and the unknown. Realizing how much I wanted to live cured part of my depression; it shifted my focus toward cherishing the time I had.
Through this journey, I found solace in Buddhism. The Four Noble Truths, which emphasize that suffering is a natural part of life, resonated with me. These truths show how much of our pain comes from clinging to fear and attachment, and how the path to peace is found in letting go. Embracing the present moment and practicing compassion has helped me shift my mindset toward healing, not by avoiding pain, but by meeting it with acceptance.
Buddhism led me to a deeper understanding of humanism, which resonated with me in ways I hadn’t anticipated. Humanism emphasizes human potential, reason, and empathy, offering a way to see beyond religious doctrines. While I don’t follow a specific religion, I believe in the goodness within people. Humanism taught me that we are responsible for creating good in this world, for treating each other with empathy, and for using our actions to shape a better society. It reinforced the idea that life’s meaning is what we make of it, and it is through our relationships and actions that we leave our mark.
"How do I find meaning in life when everything feels heavy or pointless?"
Meaning isn’t something that just appears, it’s something we build. During my toughest times, I learned that meaning comes from doing things that make me feel alive, dyeing my hair, exploring my style, going to concerts, forgiving myself, and being present. Life may feel heavy sometimes, but each experience adds to who we are. Finding meaning, for me, is about choosing to keep going, and embracing every moment as a step in my journey.
Healing, growing, and unlearning harmful patterns take time. This journey hasn’t been easy, and it’s far from over, but now I’m living life on my terms. Life isn’t about being perfect or finding a grand purpose, it’s about creating moments that feel real to you. So here’s my message: live your life authentically, with compassion and courage. We’re all growing, learning, and finding our way, one day at a time.
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